I've got a fever, and the only perscription is....

No. Not cowbell dumbass. Video games. Yes it is true, I have fallen victim to the only thing that would keep a man single longer than AIDS. And while I enjoy placing my nuts on the chin of little pre-pubes everywhere while telling them how good their mom is in bed, I can't help but think that the video game industry is missing something. Here are a few of my ideas for new games that are sure to keep us all masturbating in our basements to Laura Croft just a little longer:

Rap Group- Riding the heels of Rock Band this game puts you as the main hip hop mogul in your own group. It comes with a mic but no drums or guitar, instead being replaced by a book of food stamps and a Duck Hunt Gun. You shoot at Hos and Haters trying to get at your game as you flow through such classic hits as "Fuck the Police," "Do the Bartman," and the ever popular "George Bush Hates Black People" by Kanye West. Criminal record not included, rated G for Gangsta.

IRS Games presents Stimulus Package 2008- Very similar to the SIMS. Object is to raise your family and if you are successful the game rewards you with 600 points at the end and 300 more for each kid still alive. Only catch is every mother fucker get 300 points no matter what and when you select help on the main menu to find out what the fuck you did wrong you just go to a loading screen that freezes your XBOX. Game over bitches.

Lindsey Lohan's Prodater 2- Navigate the streets of LA giving blowjobs to homeless men for beers to increase your health. Then spread the diseases you have acquired to every C-list male actor you come across. Final Boss battle is an epic fight between Lindsey and Left Behind star Kirk Cameron. Give him Herpes and you win the game, and the hearts of America.

Grand Theft OJ- Starts off like Madden 08, then kill your wife and navigate your White Bronco through the streets to escape the cops. Doesn't matter what you do the cops always run into each other and you win every time. Finishes with a demo of Tiger Woods Golf with OJ as the only playable character. Limited Edition comes with a bonus Nintendo Power Glove, but gets recalled shortly thereafter because it never seems to fit anyone.