Im coming out of my cave.

Well it seems that Osama Bin Laden has came out of hiding to produce another video tape, therefore I am coming out of hiding to produce another blog. He blew apart two of our tallest buildings... I can make my wrist pop when I hold it at a weird angle... I'd say that makes us about even. So why the sudden coming out of hiding? Well I decided that it was time to appease the masses and also to let off some steam.

As I sat watching the evening news this...well...evening, I grew more and more angry with ever passing moment. Why the fuck haven't we caught this guy? Where the hell is our intelligence. The cop at Target could have beat Bin Laden's ass by now and made it back just in time to bust me for stealing phone cards. According to my super secret inside source on military and CIA happenings, we shall call him "Future Weapons," we have the capability to read the footnotes on a damn bible from a satellite. So... we can't find a few people going in and out of some caves in Afghanistan? Well, in all truth, we can and we probably did. But we won't. Why won't we find Bin Laden? Is he some super secret sleuth that moves like a cat in and out of dark shadows to the pink panther theme song? No. He is Osama Bin Laden. That is why. In the public eye we don't see a mass group of terrorists. We see one. Osama. And if he dies we think terrorism dies. Just like we don't see a shit for brains group of politicians in the White House. We see one. And when he goes we believe so will improve the government. With Bin Laden dead, so will decrease military spending, anti-terrorism groups, and remodel a defunct Homeland Security. Bin Laden still lives because we have a pretty little scale of colors that tell us how scared we should be and without Bin Laden there is no need for those colors and then Kinkos stock plummets sending us into a deep depression. Ok well maybe not that last part. The man has no power except to scare people, and scared people vote to spend money to be unscared. For Christ's sake: he did the video on vhs. What the hell kind of genius terrorists mastermind still uses that shit? Is his next move to send out a computer virus to hack in and fuck with our Wolfenstein save games? Unless we get a blu ray from him in the next year, he is a lame duck.

Another reason Bin Laden still exists? Simple. Bin Laden who? We are a country of immediate satisfaction. You could say we are a kind of U.S.A.D.D. If that shit doesn't get solved soon then we move the hell on. I call it my "dial-up porn" theory. My penis is used to high speed downloading of quality porn. If I one day gave it dial-up porn then it would jump out of my pants and smack me in the face. Then it would search out that scooby doo lunchbox. The one where Thelma kind of looks hot because she has the "oooo I'm scared and being slightly sexually suggestive at the same time" look. To put this into perspective, if we had caught Bin Laden and hung his ass on September 13, 2001 then you can bet your ass that would have been a national holiday. We would be out grilling hot dogs and throwing frisbees to the sweet sound of vengeance. If we caught him today and hung his ass then you can rest assured you would get one of those scrolling messages at the bottom of the screen followed by, "Watch So You Think You Can Dance this Tuesday at 8pm." Anyone see that North Korea agreed to remove their nuclear capabilities? No? Exactly, thats because Alberto Gonzales stepped down from his position as Attorney General. And since one story was newer than the other, the media, I mean you, never cared about the first one. We are a country of short attention spans and low patience. Neither of which help us in our search.

The final reason Bin Laden is still at large and forever will be? The cancellation of America's Most Wanted. How the fuck are we supposed to know who to look for without John Walsh telling us? Bin Laden could be living next door to you but unless you have seen someone who looks nothing like him acting out over exaggerated scenes on Americas Most Wanted, how the hell would you know? We are all doomed I tell you. Doomed!!!!