SWM looking for someone with a big heart. Or a pulse. That works.

Girls are really starting to toot my horn. Sorry for the foul language, but as you can tell I'm getting pretty fricking tired of searching for soulmate. I think that is my problem. I am actively looking. They say that if you wait then your true love will come to you. Well how many god damn bus stops does a guy have to sit at until fate intervenes? I'm starting to think it is a lost cause. I know what you are thinking. "Dude, you're 22, so incredibly sexy that you could be a new species, and you have a kick ass house that even Master P would be amazed at the patio furniture." Well, while all of that is correct.. it seems I have some things standing in my way. For starters I am pretty tall. To some women that is a turn on. To the rest, the often see me and then think of Jack and the Beanstalk and assume I will eat any kids we have.

I asked a close friend what I should do and he told me to lose the velvet paintings of me and Prince naked riding white tigers through flaming hoops that surround my bed in a sequential, climatic fashion. I said to that friend, "Friend, any chick that doesn't bleed purple rain is no chick of mine." And then I punched him in that tender spot behind his ears for even suggesting such a travesty. With my friends batting .000 and it obvious that my 17 inch penis was not the problem, I decided to resort to one last resource. You know it as match.com, to many it is known as "that place where you don't have to tell them you have AIDS" and common testimonials include "the woods are a hard place to say no when they realize my default was some spanish actor named Hernando." So here goes something:

for fun:
Well its hard to say. Between episodes of Boy Meets World and Saved by the Bell I like to look for images of the virgin mary in common household foods and play minesweeper while listening to my Billy Ocean Greatest Hits CD.
my job:
I don't have one. I make a living giving blow jobs to successful businessmen that don't have time for their wives and then scamming women who no longer feel beautiful because their businessman husband is too busy getting blowjobs from strangers. Ha ha ha. Just kidding. I teach.
my ethnicity:
It is often disputed because of the extremely large size of my penis. I'm guessing I'm a mix of caucasian and Zebra.
my religion:
Christian. Although Ive often wondered if I myself was carved from Mount Olympus as every girl I have been with has always described me as a God of sorts.
my education:
four year degree. Graduated with honors. Didn't have honors grades but the dean said I was too fucking sexy not to have one of those gold ropes around my neck.
favorite hot spots:
Everywhere I go is a hotspot. No. Seriously. I live in Florida. Its 108 in the shade. I went to check the mail yesterday without shoes and when I got back to the house I looked like Lieutenant Dan.
favorite things:
I once spent an entire day making a diorama of every scene from Tommy Boy using only pop tarts and pumpkin seeds.
last read:
The tag on my shirt. Who the hell tumble drys shit? Is that even a setting on my dryer?

About Me:
I just realized I am to cool and mysterious to put anything actually about me so I will just put the lyrics to Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins from the Top Gun Soundtrack.
Revvin' up your engine
Listen to her howlin' roar
Metal under tension
Beggin' you to touch and go

Highway to the Danger Zone
Ride into the Danger Zone

Headin' into twilight
Spreadin' out her wings tonight
She got you jumpin' off the track
And shovin' into overdrive

Highway to the Danger Zone
I'll take you
Right into the Danger Zone

You'll never say hello to you
Until you get it on the red line overload
You'll never know what you can do
Until you get it up as high as you can go

Out along the edges
Always where I burn to be
The further on the edge
The hotter the intensity

Highway to the Danger Zone
Gonna take you
Right into the Danger Zone

Highway to the Danger Zone