Im a pretty big deal.

Wow. Its been a while since I posted, minus the fruity pebble incident. Which some of you would be happy to know that I just decided that a few dead seagulls was a small price to pay so that I could still enjoy my fruity goodness while eating from a styrofoam bowl. MMMMM. So what have I been up to you ask? Oh, you didn't ask? Well then fuck you, I'm telling you anyways. I have been getting stuff together for my house. My badass house. I just got a leather sofa set that looks so badass that the fire marshal had to come out and inspect my house just to make sure that in case of a badass overload the city wouldn't like shut down and shit. I wasn't so lucky as to get this fire marshal though:


So once I was cleared with the sofa I had to go out and look for a new mailbox. Nothing was wrong with the old one really, I just needed to have another one to put behind it because "Badass Mother Fucker" wouldn't fit on the side of one. After I had that set up I was a bit hungry so I went inside and ate breakfast consisting of bald eagle eggs and a pinch of terrorism. Just cause I'm badass like that. I gave my dog a raptor leg to chew on because he is pretty badass too.

I don't know about you but working and doing stuff makes me want to take naps. But since becoming badass I don't do that shit anymore. Naps are for pussies, and the French. Instead, if I find myself getting tired I melt my eyelids to my forehead from heat created by rubbing my gigantic balls with a steel scrub pad. The rusty ones work best. Problem solved.

Once I had that shit straightened out it was time to get down and dirty. I decided to go do some yard work, so I went outside and just starred at the grass until it retreated back into the ground. Then I cut the hedges.. with my fist. Lastly I went through the garden and pulled the weeds, and by pulled the weeds I mean I burned the whole fucking garden and told them if they ever come back Ill snatch their kids, and if they don't have kids I will force them to pollinate just so I can steal their fucking kids.

With all that work I broke quite a sweat so I went inside and took a shower. Yeah, thats right. I raw barred it. Fuck the rag. I even threw away my mane and tail shampoo because I now use White Reign. Its made from the sweat of holocaust victims. Oh, and lavender leaves. Then I dried off using my towels made of Manatee leather.

With the day almost at an end I decided to relax and watch some TV. I don't have cable though. I enjoy sitting in front of the static because it sounds like a million people cheering for how badass I am. Then I get my antenna and try and pull Oprah. Even badasses need Oprah.